Janeanes and Umas
By: Red Velvet
Normally when Funfetti and I do our journal revisits, I think of the notebooks I used to pour my thoughts into as a kid and later as a teenager. But a couple weeks ago, I mentioned that I used to treat my personal blog as a real diary too. So I started thinking… is there anything from those old entries that I’d want to share? It isn’t often that I look back on anything I’ve written pre-Couple of Crumbs.
But there is this one entry. It’s not so much that I happened to re-read it, I just think of it from time to time. Whenever a wave of insecurity washes over me (and let’s face it, it happens to all of us on occasion), this entry I wrote six years ago pops into my mind.
I was randomly watching TV today and “The Truth About Cats & Dogs” was on Comedy Central. I’ve seen the movie once or twice and I like it. But today I heard one of the characters (Brian) say something I had never noticed before:
You know how someone’s appearance can change the moment you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don’t like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed… that you wouldn’t look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? All you want to do is be near them.
It caught me pleasantly by surprise. I’ve said and thought that exact same thing before but it was different to hear it actually voiced in a movie. It was nice to hear when it seems like looks matter so much to everyone. Every guy I listen to — “is she hot?” “did you see her ass?” or “wow look at that body.” Legs, ass, boobs, being thin. That’s where it’s at. There’s this cookie cutter shape everybody’s gotta be. And if you don’t know what that shape is, just turn on the television or flip through a magazine to see all these “perfect” looking celebrities. But don’t forget that these people pay thousands to have hair stylists, make up artists, and fashion designers at their beck and call. Who wouldn’t look gorgeous with that kind of entourage at their feet. Watching that movie today seemed to just hit me in a way that it hadn’t in the past.
I feel like Janeane Garafolo in a world of Uma Thurmans.
It’s the last line in particular that I remember.
I thought of it recently because I was looking at photos from my friend’s the wedding, the one where I was a bridesmaid. The photographer sent over some more photos, which my friend excitedly sent over to me. She looked amazing in every one. Then I saw a couple of me and let’s just say that the word amazing did not come to mind. To be (annoyingly) honest, the word fat did. And the thing is, I’m not! I hate to be one of those girls who complains that they’re fat when they’re not. But I can’t help it, I saw the pictures and thought it. I thought it a lot.
I feel like everyone around me is losing weight, working out, trying crazy diets. I’m trying my best too (working out and eating right) but it’s frustrating when you don’t see results right away. It’s frustrating to be even worrying about this. But then you see pictures or overly honest family members make a few comments (gee, sorry I’m not 90 pounds anymore) and I can’t help but feel self-conscious.
But it’s about more than a number on a scale. It’s about being comfortable in my own skin. And I think that’s the main problem. I haven’t felt comfortable for the last few months, the past year even. Maybe it’s frustration at work or my severe lack of a love life. Maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling a little lost and am tired of the same old routine. Actually, it’s probably a combination of all those things. And I can’t decide if I need to do something so drastically unlike me to break out of this rut or if I need to remember what used to make me feel content with myself and get back to that.
I’m working out, seeing friends and spending time with my family, breaking down walls with co-workers, setting goals. For now, that’s all that I can do.
Looking back, we learn something unexpected by the end of the movie - that the Umas have insecurities too and sometimes, the Janeanes get the boy. You have to keep everything in perspective.
