I am not a bank
By: Red Velvet
It’s been over five years since I’ve graduated from college and from a purely professional standpoint, I’m doing pretty well. Stable job, I have the respect of my coworkers, good salary. It’s not perfect but it’s good enough (for now).
So that being said and considering I still live at home, you’d think I’d have a lot of money saved.
Think again. (Sigh.)
Recently, I took a long, hard look at my bank accounts (with the help of Mint, my new favorite budgeting app!) and I really haven’t saved as much as I should’ve. Don’t get me wrong - I do have money set aside and I’m not suffering from credit card debt but still, I should be saving a lot more. So where is my money going?! I know it’s not all shopping. So I started to break it down.
There’s the obvious. I work in NY and sometimes, it feels like I pay to be able to work in this city (not that I’d want to be anywhere else). But between my monthly bus pass, Metro card, breakfast, buying lunch a couple times a week and daily coffee breaks - that’s easily close to $500 per month. Then I have a car I’m paying off, insurance and I semi-pay rent to my parents. It’s easy to overlook that it all adds up at the end of the day.
Those are just the basics though. Unfortunately, there’s more (a lot more!).
One of my cousins has a history of being absolutely horrible with money and I often have to spot her when things are financially tight. She borrows from me (usually doesn’t pay me back) and her credit is super bad so I (naively) co-signed a car with her four years ago. (Still feeling the repercussions of that decision. She missed the first two payments which affected me when I bought my own car because she didn’t understand the concept of co-signing.) On top of that, her husband sometimes borrows from me too (he texted me this week asking for $400, which is what prompted this whole entry). Of course they don’t communicate this to each other. They both have a really hard time managing their finances and somehow I’m in the middle of it. It’s frustrating because I want to help them. They have two kids and I don’t like to see their family struggle. And technically, I am in a position to help but there’s only so much I can do. Truth is, I may be helping them with their immediate situation but in the long run - I’m probably making it worse. It’s just so hard to say no.
I have a lot on my plate and I don’t want to complain. It is what it is. I’ve got bills and expenses like every other person. I give my parents money every month because I want to help take care of them (and my mom would probably guilt trip me if I didn’t). I’m helping to send my youngest cousin to college. What is most frustrating to me is that I feel a little taken for granted by my family. Like, oh RV has a good job as a web developer in NY, she must be earning SO much. But when you think about everything I’ve got going on, it’s also SO hard to save and I wish they would see things from my perspective. And sure, I like to indulge my shopping (hey, I should get to enjoy the money I’m earning!) but I’m realizing that I need to invest in myself as well.
I think that’s what my money-saving issues comes down to - myself and family obligations. Both of which are equally important but how and where do I draw the line? Everything I’ve said so far is still only skimming the surface. On a typical weekend, I’ll hang out with my younger cousins and if we go out to eat or watch a movie, I pay. They’re younger, I’m older - that’s how it should be (and when I would go out with my older cousin, he would pay for me). In that case, I’ve made a choice. But on Sundays when my family and other relatives decide to eat out after church, my mom volunteers me to pay for everyone. And if I protest in the slightest, I can see it in her face that she thinks I’m being selfish. It’s annoying and hurtful. I’m not anyone’s personal bank or ATM but somehow I got roped into this role because I’m “successful”. And you know, if money grew on trees, I would happily pay for my family all the time. But that’s not real life and I’m not rich. And while this isn’t a daily occurrence, it does add up. Everything adds up.
I’m still figuring out this line between myself and family when it comes to money. I’ve been working on the me stuff - handling my bank accounts differently, watching my daily expenses, cutting back on shopping. I see a difference and it feels great. It’s the family stuff that’s more of a learning process. Like when my cousin’s husband asked for the $400. For the first time, I put my foot down (agreed to lend half but said this would be the last time; he conveniently found another solution and didn’t need my help anymore). But can I and will I say no the next time he or anyone asks? I want to say yes. But am I being helpful or enabling, selfish or generous? I just don’t know.
