Couple of Crumbs (Summer Lovin': The Ties that... Overwhelm)

By: S’more

S’more is a chocolate loving cupcake who dreams of becoming a high school English teacher. She’ll read anything with a YA (Young Adult) stamp on it and loves everything having to do with Disney. She sometimes finds it hard to balance her adult life with her adolescent interests, but prefers to swing it as merely being “young at heart.”

I come from a very small family — meaning it’s just me and my parents. Of course when I was younger, there were more people involved. I had uncles, aunts, grandparents, and a never-ending number of cousins, but when my parents divorced and my house turned into a domestic war zone, most people fled.

Perhaps I was too young to notice or care about the sudden shift (I was only 10 at the time), but when the dust settled and I roughly became an only child, I really didn’t mind it. Divorce it seems was the best thing to happen to my parents. They are truly best friends now who talk everyday and even attend church together on Sundays. I guess you can’t be married to someone for 25 years and just cut all ties. Perhaps some people can, but I’ve always been proud of the pair they’ve become post divorce. It’s been my parents and I against the world ever since.

When I was younger and my mom and I would watch old reruns on Nick at Night, I would cringe at some episodes of The Brady Bunch. Why were those people so damn happy? One bathroom for six kids hardly seems like a reason to be chipper all the time. My worst fear was that my mother would get remarried to a man who had children and I would be forced to be a part of a big family. Fortunately, my stepfather showed up kid-free and my only child status was unchanged. I glided through high school and college knowing that when I came home, I had my own room, my own bathroom, my own SPACE. Dinners were small. Parties were just with my parents and my friends and the best part was that Christmas was never a race of trying to buy a million presents.

Then I entered my first serious relationship and my small circle suddenly had to stretch to include a bunch of people I did not know. My boyfriend came from a huge family and the thing about coming from a large family is that they are ALWAYS there. It took me a LONG time to get used to the lack of privacy, the constant family dinners and get-togethers. At my house, my mom pretty much left us alone, but at his house, we weren’t even allowed to lie down in the same bed. We were caught napping once and it was a disaster. I felt like I constantly had eyes on me, strangers that judged what I looked like, what job I had, what I ate, etc. And they were never shy about telling me what they thought. When that relationship was over, I was so RELIEVED to be rid of not only him, but his toxic family who ended up being one of the main reasons for our break up. I told myself, “S’more, do yourself a favor and date a boy from a small family. It’s what you’re used to. It’s what you like.”

My current boyfriend has an even bigger family.

My first thought was, “Oh Christ, here we go again.” The good thing is we’re allowed much more privacy this time around. (I’m actually allowed to share a bed with him! Me being 27 and all…) But what didn’t change were the family get-togethers. They are CONSTANT. I’m having a really hard time trying to adjust. His immediate family contains four people (six if you count the significant others) and that crowd isn’t bad. I can hold my own or simply sit back and listen to the conversations, but when you add another 10 or 20, I find it completely overwhelming. His mom is one of 7 and his dad is one of 9. All of these aunts and uncles have kids and some of those kids have kids. We’ve been dating for two years and I couldn’t tell you a Sally from a Marybeth. How can you deal with people all around you having conversations, but none of them are actually directed at you? No one is asking you a thing and when you try to interject, you’re either not heard or overlooked. My boyfriend says that when you come from a large family, you have to learn to speak louder. The thing is — I never had to.

We often talk about getting married someday and part of me delights in the notion of being his wife. The other part is scared stiff of having not a wedding, but a three-ring circus. How do you nicely tell your fiancé that you rather keep your 200+ wedding count down to 50? How do you deal with the fact that holidays and birthdays will forever be this PRODUCTION?

For now, the wedding talk is a moot point since technically there is no ring on my finger. That is one less headache at the moment, but the frustration is still very present. We spent last Thanksgiving with my parents and it was one of the best holidays I have ever had. It was quiet and there was one collective conversation as opposed to fighting to be heard among twenty. I know most people would tell me that if I want to be with this man, this is something I will have to get used to. I really think the main problem I have is that it seems as if I am always trying to blend in with someone else’s family. I am always trying to remember names, relationships, job titles of other people while my significant other has only two people to deal with. Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I wish I could force him to feel what it’s like for me. I wish I could turn the tables and subject him to the same frustrating and overwhelming feeling of trying to pretend that you really give a shit when strangers go on and on about themselves, but never really ask about you. Believe me, I’m not a very good actress.

We all make sacrifices for the relationships we’re in — trust me, I’m trying. Perhaps in a few years, I’ll even learn how to fight for the last drumstick, but until then, I’ll just keep smiling as I sneak glances at my watch.