Summer Lovin’: On My Terms
By: Red Velvet
I was in the middle of ranting to one of my best friends the other night, about the many things frustrating me at the moment, when she interrupted me to say — * * * On My Terms is part of our Summer Series.
“Lots of standing up for yourself this week!”
Truthfully, I hadn’t even looked at it that way. It’s been more of a — I’ve been keeping things bottled up for too long and it’s making me feel crazy so I’m just going to come right out and say what I think — kind of thing. But describing it as standing up for myself, works for me too! So I responded back with, “I know right!” (And felt rather proud, might I add.)
It’s funny how my life can feel so stagnant one minute and completely insane the next. On the personal side of things, I’ve been planning (and/or baking for) family events just about every other week. Engagement parties, baby showers, birthdays. I love it but at the same time, it’s really tiring (and hard on my wallet). And on the work front, well — I am busy, busy, busy. I stay late every day, barely have time to get my daily dose of chatting with friends (oh Google chat, how I miss you) and even work from home just so I won’t fall behind on my growing number of projects. Tell me, who’s not going to snap under that kind of pressure?
Last week, I snapped (and I feel so much better for it).
I have this coworker who I feel completely comfortable showing my annoyance towards (it’s a sign of trust I swear!). But there’s been this one thing that has irritated me forever and I never felt like I could tell him since it might come across as unprofessional (and we weren’t as close as we are now). He asked me up front last week what was it about him and so-and-so’s friendship that bothered me. And instead of giving him some vague answer, I told him — that person is kind of a two-faced bitch who says crap behind your back while I defend you and it’s about time you realized that (in reality, this was phrased much nicer). The other implication being, you also better appreciate what a good friend and coworker I am to you because your job would be 10x more difficult without me on your team. Luckily, he got it and two long conversations later, I’d like to believe we’ve become better friends for it. Turns out, he was actually more aware that I thought. He made it very clear to me that he not only appreciates all my hard work but sees me as one of his few good friends at the office. He also gave me his perspective on things which helped me to understand him better (though I still don’t completely agree). For the longest time, I’ve just been so tired of certain individuals at my job getting undeserved attention for being a flirt (like the so-and-so mentioned above) while other individuals (like myself) count on their work ethic to speak for itself. It’s frustrating to be around. So while things may not change, the point is - I said something and that felt good.
Sometimes it’s about more than just the end result. In the end, my confession (or rather, burst of anger) may not change my work situation but I spoke up. It drives me crazy when people tell me that I’m passive or quiet because I’m not. Just because I’m not aggressive the way others want me to be or all in someone’s face the minute I don’t like something, it doesn’t mean I don’t speak up. Work is the perfect example. At my job, I’ve had six different bosses. With the exception of my current one, I’ve told every single one of them what I really want to do professionally. I want to do product design in addition to web development and I want to get more involved in that area of the company (I semi got what I wanted). When I had a project manager I hated for years, I complained every week to my boss-of-the-moment about her (they eventually reassigned me to someone else).
I speak up. But I do it on my terms.
I guess that’s what this whole rambling entry comes down to. Being myself and speaking up when it’s the right time for me. Maybe it takes me a little longer than others to tell a person how I feel but I do tell them. And sure, sometimes I do get a bit envious of those people who always know the right thing to say (and say it immediately) or can fit in to any social situation they’re put into. But at the same time, I like who I am too and how I choose to handle things. Why do I have to fit into these specific labels or stereotypes? Shy or outgoing. Passive or aggressive. Loud or quiet. All I can do is be myself.
A person who’s a weird combination of all those contradictory qualities.
